War on Weeds

Right now, my hands are tingling with the promise of blisters, my palms seem to be permanently stained by dirt, my shoulders are aching , and my heart is content. I've never considered myself to be much of a gardener. That's best left to my mom, who has a sure-fire green thumb. I have, however, found a good use for my OCD-like tendencies: weed-pulling! This has taken up a good portion of my last two weekends, and I'm now mostly satisfied by the appearance of our yard. It was rather embarassing before we started; it's by no means immaculate now, but it is a marked improvement.

Lately, I've been struggling with this search for an adult identity (anyone else feeling that their 20s are tougher than expected?), and I was really needing a boost to help me regain a sense of competence I suppose I'd taken for granted. I'm slowly but surely realizing that this sense of accomplishment shouldn't come from others' validation, but through my own pride in achieving something. Today, I am proud of the war I have waged upon the treacherous weeds invading our home. No more shall my feet be attacked by the ridiculously belligerent burrs, and no more shall my grass be choked out. Enough is enough.

I suppose there's also a metaphor somewhere in there about pulling out the "weeds" that plague our daily lives. These "weeds" are sure to return, but with perseverance, we can keep fighting the good fight. Eventually, they grow back less and less, but it takes time and patience. I'm going to keep pulling those "weeds" out, and I'm not going to give up. How's that for stubborn persistence?

Ode to the Little Things

Today, I'm in a mood to be thankful. As far as I know of, there's no turkey or cranberry sauce on my dinner table tonight, but I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to reflect on the little things from today that caught my attention. So, here's my ode to the little things in life:

1. Dried apricots. They are such a simple, tasty snack, and they keep me from getting cranky when I'm sitting in downtown Fort Worth traffic. On that note...
2. People who actually use their blinker to signal they're going to change lanes. When I first began driving nearly seven years ago, I didn't imagine that I would actually come to appreciate something people are supposed to do to stay safe! I'm finding that it seems to be the norm for people to not signal changing lanes, so I'm now pleasantly surprised when people give me a heads-up. Yay defensive driving!
3. The fact that I have the opportunity to be in grad school right now. Many people don't like school and choose not to pursue additional education, and many more would like to but can't afford to because of time, money, family commitments, etc. I'm incredibly lucky to be in a program that I love and learning alongside some wonderful people.
4. The fact that my Mattiekins is coming home for spring break tomorrow! Ever since he was born, we've been inseparable, and people used to think we were twins. It's been years since that's happened, though; I think the 12 inches of height difference gave something away... We've both grown up a lot over the years, and I'd like to think we're better for having each other's company.
5. I have a new favorite quote. For those of you who know about my obsession with word choice and quotes, you may understand the impact this has in brightening my day. "Of course there is no formula for success except perhaps an unconditional acceptance of life and what it brings." - Arthur Rubinstein

Dear friends, I hope you find a little something to be thankful for today :)

Let It Be

Greetings, blog readers! It has been brought to my attention that I haven't written here in a while. I guess we could think of it like television shows: they have new episodes for a while, then they take a break and show re-runs, and then they come back with new episodes. Consider this a long-awaited new episode :)

The past few weeks have been challenging, and they've prompted me to spend a lot of time in introspection. I spend most of my time driving (the commute to Denton is pretty significant!), reading and writing papers for classes, and taking care of babies at work. I've realized that someday, I'm going to be ecstatic to be a mom. I'm in no hurry to make that happen, though, so for now, I'm perfectly content spoiling my babies with affection at work. I enjoy doing each of these things, and in general, I can't complain too much about life right now. Still, I can't shake this feeling that something is missing.

In reflecting on the Ash Wednesday Mass yesterday, I remembered that Lent is truly my favorite season of the year. Lent is a time to discern what sacrifices we can make for the one who made the ultimate sacrifice for us. It's a time of spiritual preparation, like "spring cleaning" for your heart and mind...and we all know how much I love cleaning. It's a time to figure out who you are, what you want, and how to get to where you want to be. Lent doesn't feel rushed to me, and some may argue it drags on far too long, but I intend to savor each day. For me, Lent isn't something I'm obligated to observe. Rather, I intend to use this gift to its full benefit. Lent is a time to re-center ourselves and figure out how to live our calling.

A few years ago, I decided that I wasn't getting the most out of giving up things for Lent like soda and chocolate, and I decided to focus on either giving up something more meaningful to me or adding something that would truly help me become a more loving child of God. In last week's readings at church, Jesus warned his disciples not to make money a god that we serve; one cannot serve two masters. I realized that money may not be something I put on a pedastal, but I certainly spend an excessive amount of time worrying. I worry about my grades in grad school. I worry about sky-rocketing gas prices, and I worry about saving money for the future. I worry about the children I teach. I worry about my family's functioning, and I worry about how I'm going to get a job someday. I worry about not losing connection with old friends, and I worry that I'm worrying too much. It's exhausting sometimes, and if you can relate to those worries, I empathize with you. Anxiety is such a burden, and it needlessly consumes so much of our energy.

As a Christian, I'm lucky, because I can now say the obligatory phrase that "I just need to learn to trust in God more and put things in His hands." It's so much easier to turn things over to God than to try to take it upon ourselves. Ah, how easy this is to say, and how much more difficult to live. I've said this countless times, and I mean it every time. Still, there's always something that gets in the way. This Lent, I've decided not to let my worries get the best of me. I'm not so unrealistic to think I'm going to be perfectly worry-free by Easter, and I'm not narcissistic enough to think I can do it alone with my own will-power. But I do believe it's possible, and I believe it's part of my purpose in life to learn to manage my own anxiety. This skill will come in handy someday when I'm a therapist, too; so many family issues stem from anxiety management, and I won't expect something of clients that I can't do myself. Until then, I'm going to "let it be." 

So. In whatever way you prepare your hearts for Easter or springtime, I hope you give yourself the chance to discover the best in you, who you are meant to be. Maybe if we could all just "let it be" in our times of darkness, we could help each other mend our broken hearts and live a better life. The good life's all around us.        

A Whole New World...Just Kidding

So I'm finishing up my first week as a graduate student, and it's basically a whole new world, people. Yes, feel free to sing along with me. Okay, just kidding. Guess what....being a grad student feels eerily similar to being an undergrad student. There have been no major life changes, no ground-breaking epiphanies, and no moments where I felt like I was on another planet.

All in all though, it's been pretty great. I only had one night class this week (go ahead and hate, all you who have class/responsibilities every day of the week). So what do I do during the rest of my time, you ask? Basically, I've become a stay-at-home mom with no children. I wake up, I drink my coffee, I do my yoga (indoors now, since the weather has hit below freezing; thanks, Texas), and I check my email. Then, I get down to the nitty-gritty: reading. Yes, if you're longing to know just what the life of a grad school student is about, this is it. READING. And lots of it. I usually take a break for lunch and cleaning up around the house, and then I...you guessed it.....get back to reading. I read endless articles from endless journals about marriage and family therapy, and so far, I'm loving it! It feels slightly weird not to be able to speed read through these articles, but I'm really trying to process them and imagine what role this plays in my training as a marriage and family therapist. At night, I make dinner, and I do dishes, and then I close the day by reading. In between, of course, I make time for little breaks, so don't worry, all those who think I'm a workaholic :)

These are my confessions: I haven't left the house since Tuesday, and I barely even go outside to check the mail. I wear countless amounts of sweatpants and old Baylor t-shirts, and I've probably forgotten how to interact with other people. My hair is constantly in a ponytail, and make-up just seems silly at this point. The most exciting thing that happened to me all week occurred today. I'd been waiting anxiously for a textbook to come in, and I thought it wasn't going to arrive til next week. The website said the order was still being processed, and my stress levels were rising, when lo and behold, the book shows up on my doorstep, care of the nice UPS man. I literally danced around my house. God is so great! It really is the little things that count.

I am the proverbial stay-at-home mom. I'm 21 without children, and I keep telling myself that I'm too young for this. I find it rather humorous, actually, but in all seriousness, I think these past three weeks of being cooped up at home have taught me a valuable lesson. And so, I dedicate this blog post to all you stay-at-home moms (and dads) out there. I salute you. You are far braver than I am.

Deep down, I know I needed these past few weeks as a break from the constant energy I had to expend the past few years. I had forgotten what it was like not to be excessively working, studying, and leading organizations. I haven't had a break from work or school in a few years. Vacations are non-existent. It's kinda scary, but it's also kinda nice to be able to breathe. Next week promises to be much busier, with more classes and part-time work, but I have tons of energy stored up :)

Photographs and memories

Today is the first day of classes at Baylor, and I'm not there. It's such a bittersweet feeling. I feel like I should be running into old friends walking around Fountain Mall, and I feel like I should be going to the SUB to print off all my new syllabi, and I feel like I should be with my favorite people that are always in my psychology classes. Instead, I'm sitting in my house, still in my pajamas, and I'm looking through my scrapbook of college memories. Part of me is excited to have moved on past college, and the rest of me is caught in this terrible longing to be back. I expected this feeling, and I almost welcome it. It's a growing pain, and I know it's going to be ok. I'm grateful that I have grad school classes starting next week, and I'm ready to be busy studying! College was only a piece of life, and it was wonderful. There's more to look forward to.

I finished my scrapbook last week, and I have to admit, it fills me with a sense of warmth looking at it. I love looking back to freshman year, the year I fell in love with Baylor and the boy who's now my other (and better) half. I remember sophomore year, the year I learned just how little sleep I could live on and just how many organizations I could possibly join. And I look back to junior year, the year I baked endless amounts of cupcakes and learned how to tailor my passions into a manageable mess that allowed time for sleep. And of course, I remember senior year: stressful, restful, eternal, and all too fleeting. It all flew by so quickly, and I'm so grateful for every single moment, especially the ordinary ones that are lost somewhere in my subconscious mind. For all the moments I remember, and even the ones I don't, I'm so thankful for the photographs and memories.

Outdoor yoga

Warning: this post may contain granola-like thoughts :)

I've been practicing yoga for about two years now, and somehow, the thought had never occurred to me to practice yoga outside until yesterday. Now that I've experienced this little piece of heaven, I'm almost embarassed to admit that it took me so long to get here. I'm an avid nature fan, and I always feel more at peace after spending some time outside, nestled in trees' shadows and ruffled by the wind's fingers. Yoga has been an important part of my life since I first took a class at Baylor, and I've come to rely on it as one of the few pieces of my life that's "just for me." I've come to adore this time of relaxation as sacred and a crucial part of keeping myself centered. I love serving others and helping in any way I can, but who among us doesn't need a little time to themselves?

Outside yoga somehow adds a new dimension to this practice. While often unpredictable, this week's Texas "winter" weather has been in the refreshing 60-degree range. My morning routine now includes a cup of coffee (I don't think I'll ever kick that caffeine habit) and bringing my yoga mat out to the back patio. The poses blend perfectly with cool breezes rippling over my skin and sunbeams piercing through my relaxed eyelids. When I close my eyes, I can even make out these amazing rays of sunlight that play with my imagination. Shapes and beams of light take form, and it all adds to my love of nature and my love of yoga. Add in the New Age Ambient station on Pandora, and I do believe, my friends, it's a small piece of heaven. So, don't just take my word for it. If you're looking for something new to add to your life in 2011, try a little outdoor yoga. Namaste.

Better Days

Happy New Year, everyone! It's so hard to believe it's already 2011! I've said that to a few people over the past week or so, and I've gotten a similar response from several of them: "Thank God 2010 is over!" I feel like "good riddance" is probably a pretty common sentiment to hear at the end of any year, but it seems like I've heard it a lot more now than in the past. Could it be that 2010 was a particularly treacherous year? Possibly. Could it be that people are just exhausted and tired of trying so hard? Possibly. Could it be true that 2011 will be filled with better days? Possibly. No one knows.

"And you asked me what I want this year,
And I try to make this kind and clear.
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days."

As we enter into the next decade, I can't help but think back to the Goo Goo Dolls song "Better Days." This song is on a playlist that always fills me with inspiration when I'm writing or just mulling over some elusive thoughts. I think it's the perfect song to begin a new year. There's just something about this song that fills me with hope, even if I know that halfway through the year, I'll be wondering where all that hopefulness went. I really do think that 2011 will be better, but only if we keep searching for those better days. As a teacher, I tell my kids, "You find what you're looking for. If you look for the good, you'll see it, and if you look for the bad, you'll see that, too."  If you think about it, this song isn't asking for days that are actually better. It's about the chance for better days. If we drag all our baggage from 2010 with us, how can we expect to have better days? It's time to let go of what holds us back, and it's time to give ourselves the chance for better days.